Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
