we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
