My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
