your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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