My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
