don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
