All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
if i died would you start the facebook group?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
