I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My Sexting was not on an AP level
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
