Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
