It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
