Soap is not a condiment
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We left the knife in your bed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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