Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
