I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
