She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
