I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
