I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Every concussion has its silver lining
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
