Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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