You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
