I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
