Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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