Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize