i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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