I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
