do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
