he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
