For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
