You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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