In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
