my mouth tastes like poor choices
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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