she kept yelling 'call me bella'
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
