we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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