allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
