I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
