I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
