u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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