can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
