College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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