You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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