i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize