So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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