I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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