how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
