I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
