3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have aggressive nipples.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
