I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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