His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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