I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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