his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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