my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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