I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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