rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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