if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My cat gives me a boner
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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