ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I did not marry a roomba.
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