Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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