There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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