I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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