I could have mohawked her pubes.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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