The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
