she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
